Adiós 2008!

Goodbye 2008! I just feel like putting in some words here before the new year arrives. Got up early today as i was afraid to fall asleep again after the nightmare:(
I'm in Penang for a week already:) Yep, all the way here to spend some quality time with my special someone during this holiday. Having a good two weeks' break from work:) So 2008...had been quite a challenging year for me. One major thing that happened in this year was change. Change of environment, daily routine, goals as well as interest. Moving from a university's life to a working adult's was definately a big change for me. Like people said, out of your comfort zone. Precisely how I felt! I had been in schooling life for mm..let's calculate. 3-4 years in kindergarten(i did 1 year extra because i entered early together with my cousin bro who's a year elder) + 6 years in primary school + 5 years in secondary school + 1.5 years in Form 6 + 3 years in uni = 18.5-20 years! :O Everything was well taken care of by my ever so dedicated parents. To them, kids' educations are the most important thing and they always will ensure we get those no matter how tough they'd have to work. They have to bear the cost for four little monsters! But I'm so glad now that only two left. Myself has finished and Sis is finishing soon, in 2010 but they don't need to worry so much for her as she's taking study loan so it's fine. Back in those times I didn't need to worry much about so many things. I've got everything. School uniforms, stationaries, tuitions, school bus arranged and pocket money. All i had to worry was getting EXCELLENT grades in exams, not just good. They have never pressured me though. It was more like a silent pressure. I knew those were what they wanted and I did do well in almost all my major exams and they were very happy indeed. Only I was a little disappointed in my uni's grade. They aren't bad but just not good enough or so I thought. Anyway they aren't important anymore now. So yeah, that's the end of my student's life and moving towards a more realistic world. Here's the beginning of the life challenges. Everything was unpredictable and not pre-arranged like used to. Parents won't find for me my interest job, won't pay me allowance anymore(though i know they would give if I really ask with a thick face), won't buy me `uniforms' and won't arrange transportations. I have to do these all by own but of course they are always there whenever I need something. I know this is the time when I really have to be independant. Yeah,like they said-Grow up! I feel happy that I'm able to contribute at least some money to them and also buying things/food for my siblings.
The biggest challenge for me this year was to find my interest job. What i'm doing now has nothing to do with my degree - everyones says it's common such. A lot of thinkings was done and it took quite a while to figure somethings. No, I haven't figure out what I really want to do, yet. Yes, until now, honestly. I only have found out what I don't. I didn't want to be in the Biochem lab. Neither the clinical nor the research lab. So at least one thing was clear. Elimination is also one good way to find answers. Despite that, i certainly think that the knowledge will not go to waste. It is good to know for our body, our health and living a healthy lifestyle so i'm not upset about that. What's upsetting me,sometimes, is not able to know my true interest. Sooner or later,I'll probably will but I feel lost at times. Looking at peers who already pursuing their interest job makes me jealous sometimes. I feel like I'm way behind. Nevertheless, I am glad to be in this place I am now. I'd say this is a right place for me to learn and gain as much possible at my position now, granted with a bunch of truly amazing people who are so supportive and 'true'. I am thankful being here:) although I can't say what I'm doing now is what I really want. I've chosen not to think so much for now for at least I really am enjoying this. Meanwhile I'll make the best out of this opportunity and I'm pretty sure the day that I'll finally solve the big question will come. I have learnt to be more positive than i was before and it really helps to build the self-esteem that I need. But to come to this decision of being here has put me through quite some challenges - finding interest, job hunting stress, interview stages, huge debate sessions with parents which are really really upsetting, travelling to interview sites, money issues (stopped getting allowance after uni) and bla bla bla. At times like this, I was grateful to have these few awesome people to support me endlessly. I knew I could always count on them and I truly appreciate all of them. My parents, my siblings and my sweetheart. Sometimes I may not show the feelings on my face but deep down my heart stays my love for them. Here I meant my parents. Somehow our relationships are a little formal and non-expressive and this was the way we are brought up so we understood without saying.

Another thing to add on to my 2008 happenings' list is my graduation! Yes, after 18.5-20 years of school I have finally graduated! How excited! As excited as I could be, there also lie the fear to face the real world. Some said it is ruthless; it is the survival for the fittest, a metaphor to describe that only the fittest person will prevail in the competitive society. Similar to the Darwinism theory of natural selection (goodness of Bio knowledge-helps to enhance your blog;p). 070808 was my historical day in life. I was glad to have people whom I loved witnessed the joyful moment and especially my parents who i think might have heaved a sigh of relief while watching me walking off the stage with the scroll(fake scroll) and also might be thinking in their heads, 'Oh finally. One down'. haha! I really appreciate those who came and they have all made my day:) Not forgetting my awesome 080808 birthday celebration. Such an auspicious year for me. Oh well,that was not all! Of course I wouldn't miss out this one! Yet another amazing thing happened this year which has made my 2008 such a grrrreaaat one. The person I was casually hooked up with has now become that someone special:) and it's been really wonderful. He puts smiles on my face everyday. Almost everyday! Even when we are apart from each other (geographical barrier), he still does! I can't describe how much I appreciate his presence and the things he has done. He is simply amazing. I really feel like I'm the luckiest girl present. Thank you love:)

Overall, 2008 has been a WONDERFUL year. Now, I wish for another fantastic year ahead although i can't yet to foresee what's coming and what's not. If i'm asked for my New Year resolutions? Hrmmm...ok..if i have to have one or some...i'll say learn to be frugal - spend what is neccesary (quite a challenge), maximise the learning opportunities that I can get in my work, and keep as fit as possible. Perhaps I should start attending belly dancing classes again.

Oo can't wait for the ice-cream later, yum yum BR:D I'm running down for brunch first.
Cheers! Happy Happy New Year!
And Again, good bye sweet 2008! :D

Shit, shit happened

erghhhhhh! Shit happens! Just as i thought it was about to end smoothly, it happened. Ishhhh... i am so upset now. How could i be so careless ! :( This will be a huge disappointment for me.

NIghtmares

I had two nightmares last night. Both with me in similar kind of torture but in different scenarios. Okay, it might sound funny. The torture in the nightmare was i being held and tickled on my armpit non-stop. It wasn't some painful torture but believe me, if you were being hand-held and tickled like that, it would feel just as bad as the joss sticks being chucked at your skin with your hand-held and not able to escape. i had that kind of nightmare too,once. Back to the story, in this first nightmare, i was walking around with my baby in a somewhat appeared to me, a mall. then walking and walking, i noticed there were two girls who acted suspiciously following us all the time. Kept walking. er, actually the in-between pieces were missing. okay came to this torturous part. I was suddenly grabbed my arms by one the girls and the other one started ticking me on my armpit! I was struggling and tried to scream but was not able to. The feeling was horrible! Ugh! Then finally i managed to shout and i woke up. I meant i really shouted. My aunt who shares the room with me but she sleeps on the mattress on the floor was awakened by the soft shouting and asked me what was wrong. I was too tired and was actually still not fully awake , so i did not respond to her and continued to sleep. Then the second nightmare came. Strange i could not remember the details of this one though it was more recent.Because we usually can recall the most recent dream if we have had a few on the same night. But yeah, i could only remember the tickling part. Yes, tickling again! Again, i was hand-held and could not run. I woke up for the second time with a soft shout. Omg, like i could feel the tickling for real. errrrrrhhhhhhhhh! The second time i was awake, i was more conscious. I was scared. I started to chant in my head. I was afraid that i was awake, alone and dark, and i was scared too to fall asleep and having the nightmare again. I was praying hard for someone in the house to wake up. I did not dare to move and both my legs were crossed. Oh, i used to sleep with my legs crossed when i was young till my secondary years because i was very scared at nights and dark. Slept with lights on though. My guts were just tiny back then. Eventually, about 20s-30s minutes ( i think it was. or maybe was only few minutes but i felt long) later my dad was up and i was relieved a little. And so, i fell asleep again. I woke in the morning feeling tired so was a little late for work. When i came to the office, i told my colleagues of my encounter and one of them asked if i had any beverage like coffee, essence etc before i went to bed. In fact, i had tea. She said,based on past experiences, that if we take beverages or food that energize the body, eg coffee, our brain will be active and if forced to sleep, nightmares will occur. Maybe not to everyone. But mine was most likely the tea. So yeah i've learnt my lesson to not take in tea, coffee, whatever, sugar before to bed. I am really afraid of anymore ticklings in my dream. Also no real ticklings too. No no!

So if you wanna have a good night sleep, avoid such food or anything that'll keep your brain alert.

Again i have to stress, tickling with hand held is one of the most unpleasant torture. At least to me. But i dont mind to do it for others who think that that is a pleasure heheh...

Sesat

Lost and sesat and lost.
Friends always joke that i'm a tortoise because i move slowly. Now i wish that i am. At least i can tuck my head under the shell, away from outside world. Until i feel comfortable to tuck my head out again :(
Everyone kept asking. Askking and asking. Asking and asking. No one seems to care about my feeling lost and pressured inside. So suffocated.
Incomplete metamorphosis. There wont be beautiful butterfly :( ...

Are you lonesome tonight

This is so strange.

Last night, i stayed up late to watch drama series and all of a sudden, i felt motion of emptiness engulfed me. As i looked around the quiet house, i felt so lonely as everyone else was asleep and sister and aunt who share room with me were not. It felt just like the times when i was all alone in the small little room in the university's hostel. Lonesome and horrible feeling. But then, it was not as if i have not been alone till that late at home. I didn't feel so bad like this. i felt even worse when i got to the bed, alone :( I thought it was the hormones that caused the turbulence. It should be normal at this time of the month, i guessed. i could not find a solid reason as to why i was feeling so aweful. This morning when i woke up, i was all alone in the house.That feeling crept back into me. Was feeling a little blue while on my way to work but thankfully it did not last that long. Just wondering why was it so... :S

What's next for her?

She's clueless of her next step now. Wondering where her path will lead her to after this.. A lot of questions have been asked and all of them prompted her to think real.She still feels unprepared yet anxious. At one time she thought she could see it but other times she saw nothing. What is she really looking for in life? She hasnt yet figure out exactly and was trying to escape from the question but now it seems that she really need to sit down quietly and think for herself. Pretty sure most people will go through this stage at a certain point in their life but how did they come to a good conclusion to it?

Not just the weather

Things are just so cold today. Not just the weather, it seems like everything else. Maybe i just wasn't in the mood for anything. Easily agitated and restless. All i need is a big, warm hug right now :/

maybe it's the DMS but could be just an excuse...

Not a good day

Mannerism 101

I think i can kill a cow right now. I wished all the rude people in the world get the punishment they deserved and i'd really like to impose a law on these people. They got no authority to make other's lives miserable and worse even, threaten their safety. Didn't they learn what manners are and practise them? Such aweful occurence to have them roaming around and causing miseries. One thing that i can't tolerate is these rude people. Just so, so aweful! We shall promote 'Mannerism 101', not like they gonna be bothered anyway. i'm sure they'll get what they deserve some day. Maybe they feel good by behaving such way. Maybe i should try becoming one as well, so that at least i wont feel i was being rude-d at. maybe i could be even better than them. Speaking of being evil..i think i can do equally good ;D



-she was just pissed-

That's all for CNY

Back from CNY. It's time to work hard. Thesis, @, labs, workout routines..so many things to juggle. Despite those , she's happy , happy , happy :) Final semester, woohoo~ Looking forwrd to each day =D

Once upon a time...

This is a story about a girl and her Mom. This girl,once upon a time, was a rebellious daughter and never had a loving relationship with her Mom . Due to lack of tolerance and trust in both sides, the communication level between them went very low. They were good but just that they did not share stories together. This girl has always thought that her Mom was not as open-minded to discuss things that are personal and therefore, they never had deep talk. They never talk about relationships and stuff. They never told each other that they care and love. It was so shameful to not be able to tell that. She used to whine a lot about others having such open-mined and easy-going parents. She envied that a lot and often got unhappy. Incident occured and the Mom somehow lost trust in her girl as she suspected her doing things behind her back. Yet again, it was never been brought up and kept silent till now. Despite that, things were actually fine between them. It was just that there were silent issues been kept in both their hearts making them both not trusting each other. Bad times are gone and It's all good now.
After entering uni and staying apart from the family during weekdays, she started to realize things. Being with all the good people has impacted her and gave a good influence on her. She realized it was so wrong to not be able to be close to her Mom. She then started to try to work things out and slowly, things became better. It took her a while to leave the egoness and showed more concern to her family and appreciate them. She learnt that nothing is more important than her family. Another incident that brought her to realization was that when she was down with allergy attack, she realized that no one loves her more than her parents. She could never have learnt a better lesson in her life. Things have been wonderful now. She's now slowly open up to her parents. One good achievement today, she finally found the courage to share a sweet story with her parents though it was brought up quite randomly. She hopes that the bond will grow stronger and closer as time goes. i'm pretty sure it would and i believe they'll be greater:)
It is actually not that bad after all to cry in front of parents,she realized. Mom was so touched that her girl actually teared and worried when she suffered from fish bone choking. Looking at Mom's choked, red face gave her heart ache. JUst to share an information, if such things were to happen, rinsing the throat with vinegar does help to alleviate the bone. Apparently, vinegar is able to soften the bone and ease the removal of it. That was how it saved Mom. The rice method did not help much.

She's tired and confused

She's lost, frustrated and dissapointed. She thought she could trust people but she did not gain the trust in return and better still, got backfired. She's got dissapointed that she met people whom picks at others for no concrete reason. She just so dislikes people who bursts easily and as though the whole world has fault with him. Where is all the brain cells to think and distinguish good/bad in him? Please use them for god sake! And as well she hates drama king/queen. C'mon, what do you want to show with all these dramas? Cant u just confront people and talk your whatever-shit problem and leave all the dramas?! *sweat*

p/s : she apologized for the impolite words because she just can't stand nonsense no more.

The metamorphosis cycle

She's back now for the year 2008 and this is her first entry of the year. Things have been pretty good for her , even greater. She was back then a young caterpillar that eats and eats just to want to grow, not knowing the things she took in were good orbad. Now she has moved to a new phase of the cycle, the pupa stage. This is the time when she could start gather all her energy and strengths to be able to morph into a beautiful and strong butterfly when the time comes. in this context, it is the knwledge, experience, values and such to equip her in the process of morphing into a gorgeous butterfly. She believes that she can achieve that someday=)
The year 2008 has been really kind to her. She has never felt this wonderful. One great thing that she has learnt and to bring into this year is that being thankful of the things around. She has began to truly appreciate things with her heart. She loves herself more than anything now. She loves her family, her friends and is grateful of all the things she has now. This girl has really grown up and no longer the childish girl with all the silly thoughts she could have (although she is still a little childish now but in a matured way..can't really express well but yeah) She used to complain and question a lot. Whining alot of times. How come i dont get this?How come they have ?I want this too and i want that as well and la la la..always trying to pursue things that are unrealistic. SHe's also agreed that she was quite a drama queen last time. Would laugh at herself thinking back of those things back then. I feel so glad that she has finally found herself, not completely but getting there:) At least she is strong within herself and knows what she wants (not all the time but at least much better la!) She believes that more great things will come along, not to mention that she has found some great things:) Life seems more colorful now, just like having rainbow that doesn't fade even after rain has long gone. She just want to say one word : AWESOME, girl!